


Love, Selfish Love

by TeddyBearDoctors



Category: Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Blow Jobs, Falling In Love, Love at First Sight, M/M, Warped Tour 2005
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-22
Updated: 2017-01-22
Packaged: 2018-09-19 04:46:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9419366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeddyBearDoctors/pseuds/TeddyBearDoctors
Summary: Patrick plays drums for My Chem during warped tour, Gerard is a fucking self-hating mess who thinks he ruins everything he touches, and they fall in love





	

**Author's Note:**

> someone needs to stop me from writing so much bandom fic, cause i have lots of ideas  
> but anyway, pls enjoy this fucking mess of mushy and smutty Geetrick

It’s 2005, Vans Warped Tour, and My Chemical Romance is down a drummer. They’re all crammed in their bus together, Frank a little high and angry and Gerard shaking-whether from nerves or something else no one bothers to ask. Mikey suggests one of them play the drums in Bob’s absence and Frank explodes, going on about how none of them can play the fucking drums and Gerard can’t stay inside the bus anyone. He steps out and no one seems to notice, still scrambling for an idea so they can still play. They could just play without the drums, it would suck but they could make it work.

Gerard leans against the bus, wishing he wasn’t so sensitive to the heat. The sun is beating down even though it’s early in the morning, sweat beading on his hairline and he can feel the sun burning his fair skin. He pulls out a cigarette with shaking hands and lights it, blowing a puff of smoke from his cracked lips. He can hear Ray trying to be reasonable but Frank isn’t having it, he never gets like this, Gerard blames the heat.

 He hears another bus door open and close and then a shorter boy with ginger hair that curls at the back of his neck is walking over. He’s cute, Gerard can’t even pretend not to notice that, he has silly sideburns and a dorky looking hat but he’s pretty in a way Gerard had never seen anyone else be pretty. The boy smiles at Gerard as he gets close, probably on his way to check out the stage and venue, but then he hears the noise from the My Chem bus and frowns.

He’s close now and Gerard knows he can see how badly he’s shaking, unable to hold his smoke with a steady hand. He shifts on his feet and the boy looks worried for a moment before stuffing his hands in his pockets. Gerard watches the sweat roll down the boy’s pale neck and his mouth goes dry. He’s never been turned on so quickly by a stranger before, but this, _fuck_ , there’s just something about him.

“Everything okay?” He asks and Gerard can’t bring himself to nod like he should.

“They don’t normally fight like this,” Gerard tries to explain, doesn’t want this beautiful boy to think they’re just another asshole rock band, “but our drummer bailed.”

“Oh, that sucks. Can’t find a replacement?”

“No,” Gerard blows smoke at his feet, trying to keep it away from the boy. There is a long silence and Gerard thinks the boy will just leave but he doesn’t.

“I could play for you,” He sounds nervous and when Gerard looks up the boy is chewing on his bottom lip. “I’m the singer in my band but I was gonna be the drummer, I’m kind of rusty but I could give it a go, I mean, if you want me to.” He’s rambling and Gerard just watches with wide eyes, cigarette turning to ash between his fingers.

“Fuck,” Gerard says and the boy laughs nervously. Gerard wants to make him laugh again, maybe forever. He doesn’t know what to say so he smiles slowly and the boy’s eyes are so bright, a bright brilliant blue-green and Gerard wonders when he started caring about stranger’s eyes.

“Is that a yes?”

Gerard reaches up and runs shaking fingers through the half bleached mess of his hair, unable to stop himself from smiling just because the pretty boy is smiling. Gerard curses his bisexuality and nods. The boy grins wider, cheeks pink from the heat, and Gerard drops his smoke and steps close. He places a hand on the small of the boys back, noting how much shorter he really is, and leads him into the bus.

“Shut the fuck up!” Gerard says to announce his return and all eyes fall on him and the boy. Frank makes a face while the others remain carefully natural. “This is our new drummer,” He means to fill in a name but realizes he never asked for one.

“Patrick Stump,” The boy offers and Mikey lights up. “From Fall Out Boy.”

And that’s how Gerard Way realizes he’s totally gay for Patrick Stump. And also how they got a replacement drummer for Warped Tour.

The guys all take a liking to Patrick quickly, helping him learn the songs and set up Bob’s drums so he can use them. Gerard watches Patrick set up for the show; they go on in a few minutes, feeling giddy and exhausted all at once. He loves being on stage but somehow this show is different, this show is _fucking Warped Tour_ and this show has Patrick Stump, this show is something else. Gerard takes a shaky breath and suddenly Mikey is there, touching his shoulder and smiling awkwardly. He’s still such a kid to Gerard, his baby brother.

 “Have you met the rest of his band yet?” Mikey asks and Gerard shakes his head. There hasn’t been time but Patrick sure has talked about them a lot…not that Gerard is jealous or anything. Why would he be? “Well, he seems really nervous and I don’t know what to do. He’s freaking out.” Mikey explains and Gerard is making his way across the stage before his brother even finishes speaking.

Patrick is going over the notes, which drum to hit and when, over and over. He’s been practicing for hours and Gerard leans against the large speaker nearby. Patrick curses under his breath and Gerard sighs, reaching out to touch the boy’s arm. He stills and Gerard does too.

“You’re gonna do great, man.” He tells him and he shakes his head, ginger hair brushing along his shoulders. Gerard suddenly misses it when his hair was that long; he wonders if Patrick thinks the weird bleaching is as strange as everyone else does.

“I haven’t played in so long,” Patrick mumbles, still gripping the sticks tightly. “I don’t think I can do this.”

Gerard steps closer, unsure what he’s doing, he barely knows this kid, but he just wants to see him smile again. He wraps his strong hands around Patrick’s, watching him raise his eyes to Gerard’s hazel ones. He looks so nervous, unsure, and desperate really, and Gerard understands so badly he can only squeeze his hands.

“You’re going to do great. I’ve heard you practicing and I think you play the songs even better than Bob. Wish we had you around when we recorded the album.” Gerard smiles shyly and Patrick breaks out in a blush, eyes wide.

“Really?”

Gerard has never wanted to kiss anyone more than he does at this moment.

“Ya, you’re gonna knock ‘em dead.” Gerard clears his throat and drops his hands, stepping back from the drummer. “And even if you fuck up no one will care ‘cause you’re the prettiest one on the stage.” He smirks as Patrick blushes harder, unable to find words. He leaves him like that, hoping that somehow he helped.

\--

Gerard holds the mic, staring out at the sea of screaming people and he feels empty, floating and unreal. This is his life? He needs a drink…He screams instead, loud and obnoxious and the fans scream back. He glances back at Frank and he smiles, excited, ready to fuck shit up. Well, no holding back now, let’s do this. Gerard breathes and queues them to start up the first song, his heart pounding along to the drums.

Gerard feels like he’s roasting alive, dressed in all black and too tight clothes. He’s sweating, soaking his back and face and sticking his hair to his forehead. The rest of the guys aren’t doing much better, well Mikey looks great but that boy is frankly magic when it comes to the weather. Frank does a fail of a flip and lands on his back on the stage, slamming on his guitar and kicking his legs around. The crowd goes crazy for it, screaming and reaching out for them.

The lyrics break off and Gerard turns around on the stage, catching sight of Patrick. He looks so small behind the drum set, soaked in sweat that has his skin glistening and Gerard groans into the mic. _Oh shit_. He turns back to the audience and tries to shake away the images of Patrick, shirt sticking to his skin, hands gripping the sticks too tight. Fuck, what happened to the easy no crushes thing? Aren’t those supposed to be left in high school? For fucks sake he’s 28!

The song ends and Gerard address the crowd, hearing them scream his name. He knows he has eyeliner all over his face, smeared black ink along his eyes. He makes it worse, wiping his face and coming back with black on his hand.

“Have you guys heard of Fall Out Boy?” Gerard doesn’t know what he’s doing, just that he wants the crowd to scream for Patrick, wants them to notice him. They do scream, not as loud but it still wipes out the stage. He looks back and see’s Mikey drinking water and Patrick turning red.

“Well,” Gerard starts again, looking at the mess of teenagers. “Our drummer today is with them,” more screams, why do they always scream? “His name is Patrick,” more screams, honestly. “And he’s fucking talented, right?” More screams but these ones were asked for, he chuckles into the mic. “And he’s pretty fucking hot too, huh?” okay that’s a lot of screaming and he’s pretty sure he still heard Patrick tell him to shut up. “Well, I’m gonna sing this next song for him,” fuck that sounded gay, do they know? They scream, all they do is scream and, honestly, Gerard likes it.

It’s not like the song is romantic, at least not to Gerard’s ears, but Patrick still blushes every time Gerard looks at him with lyrics on his lips. He doesn’t get close, doesn’t know what stupid thing he’ll do, but he does look and he does make it painfully obvious that this is about Patrick-well not the song but this moment, this piece of his life, it’s about this pretty boy who looks too small behind the drum set.

The show goes on and Gerard tries not to make a fool of himself anymore, Frank throws himself around on the stage, Mikey looks too fucking cool for school, Ray’s hair is a right mess, and Patrick puts every piece of himself into playing those drums. Fuck, who is he trying to impress so badly? The set ends at some point and Gerard is stumbling off the stage, the world buzzing in his ears. Mikey is there, exhausted but brimming with excitement. Frank is too loud and Gerard shoves him away when he tries to hug him, watching him fake pout. Ray can tell, always can, that Gerard is not in the mood for this shit so he drags Frank and Mikey away. They should shower anyway.

Gerard turns and finds Patrick, looking annoyed and fuzzy at the edges. Gerard wants to touch; his fingers itch to reach out and caress soft skin and hear Patrick sigh. He tries to smile and Patrick doesn’t return it, the world clicks back into focus and Patrick becomes an over saturated picture of pissed off. Gerard’s face falls and he looks down, waiting for the words. Tell him he fucked up. Tell him you don’t care about him anymore. Tell him he’s shit. Tell him he’s nothing. He’s ready; he’s heard it all before.

“Why’d you do that?” Patrick finally speaks and Gerard looks up, ready to pretend he’s strong.

“Do what?” He steps close and Patrick doesn’t step back, trying to look bigger than he is.

“Bring up my band, make them look at me?” He sounds offended but Gerard can hear the confusion underneath. Patrick doesn’t like being the front man, he doesn’t like the stares, and everything clicks into place.

Patrick is scared.

“Because you deserve to be looked at,” Gerard doesn’t know why but he reaches out and cups Patrick’s cheek, feeling it heat up under his touch. “You don’t see it, you’re the front man of your band but you don’t see it. You’re hot, you’re talented, and you deserve to be looked at.” Patrick isn’t breathing evenly and his mouth is so tempting, he could kiss him, right here in front of the roadies and the bands getting ready to go on, right here right now.

Gerard drops his hand and steps back, watching Patrick let out a stuttering breath. He’s still pink, eyes wide, and Gerard smirks. He knows he’s toying with him but what else should he do? He can’t kiss him, he’s practically a kid-“I’m 21!” “Still a kid”- and he’ so beautiful, one touch from someone like Gerard Way and he’d never be that beautiful, that pure and full of light, again. He’d ruin him.

“Come on,” Gerard moves his head and Patrick follows him. Fall Out Boy goes on in a few hours so they have time to mess around before Gerard gets to lose his mind watching Patrick sing, he hasn’t heard him sing yet.

Fall Out Boy’s bus is not nearly as messy as My Chem’s, Patrick says it’s because Andy gets bored and cleans while they’re on the road. The guys are nice and Gerard wishes he could pay attention to them but he leaves the being social up to the rest of the guys, it’s never really been his thing anyway. He’s better at daydreaming, drawing pictures in his head until he can’t take it and needs his sketchpad. He’s zoning out on Patrick of course, watching his lips stretch into a smile not aimed at him, seeing his eyes light up. He always has so much emotion in his eyes.

“Stop being gay,” Frank giggles in his ear and Gerard tries to control his blush with a glare.

“Fuck off,” He growls in return and Frank giggles again, being dragged back into the conversation. “I need a smoke,” Gerard announces, slipping from the bus. Of course someone follows him; he can never have a moment of fucking silence on tour.

“Wanna share?” Its Pete…does he even smoke? Gerard doesn’t question it, just hands him a cigarette and lights them both up. He puffs and ignores Pete, leaning heavily against the bus, his limbs feel like led when he’s not making music or art, like he’s just a useless statue when he’s not creating.

“Thanks for letting ‘Trick play with your band, he had a lot of fun.” Pete talks like he’s thanking Gerard for inviting Patrick to his kid’s birthday party.

“Ya, sure,” Gerard hates this feeling of jealousy, he fucking hates himself. He barely knows Patrick, the dude could very well be married for all he knows, so why does he feel like this when Pete calls him Trick? It’s stupid; he wishes he didn’t have these kinds of feelings.

“I need a drink,” Gerard speaks again and Pete grins like the Cheshire cat. It’s a sad joke, they both know that, but Pete’s the kind of guy to laugh at it rather than get uncomfortable. Gerard hates that he likes Pete.

“I know how you feel,” He laughs and Gerard hums in reply.

“I’m gonna head to bed, thanks for…whatever,” Gerard knows he sounds like an asshole but he’s tired and horny and Patrick is fucking cute and life just isn’t being fair to him. Pete doesn’t say anything, just lets the singer walk off.

The bus is empty and Gerard takes a moment just to breath. He falls onto the couch and ignores the part of him that wants to jerk off in favour of the one reaching for the pencil he left on the table. He opens his sketchbook and finds an unfinished drawing of Mikey tuning his bass, he stares until he sees the places he messed up and flips the page. He starts with a smile…

\--

Gerard wakes up to Frank screaming and thinks, for just a moment, that he’s on stage. He yawns and stretches, hitting his hand on the top of the bunk and cursing. He rolls out of bed and pads into the main room, finding Mikey sitting with his legs on top of Pete Wentz, Joe on the floor whispering to Ray, and Frank laughing hysterically at something Pete is telling them. Andy and Patrick don’t seem to be around and Gerard turns around and heads back to the bunks.

It hits him then that he missed the show, Fall Out Boy played, _Patrick sung_ , and he missed it. _Shit_. He leaves the bus too quickly for anyone to ask him where he’s going, they don’t follow. He finds FOB’s bus and doesn’t knock just goes inside. Andy is on the couch; book in hand, he looks up and smiles curiously at Gerard before pointing back into the bus. Gerard goes where he’s told for once in his life and finds Patrick still asleep in his bunk.

His heart stops.

Patrick’s mouth is parted slightly, lips so pink and plush, his hair a mess and skin blushing. His shirt has ridden up and Gerard traces the lines of Patrick’s hips with hunger. The boy shifts and his eyes flutter open, blue-green sleepy and smiling up at him. Patrick doesn’t look annoyed that Gerard is there; he smiles half asleep and brushes his hair out of his face. The world is _really_ not being fair.

“Um,” Gerard starts and Patrick stretches, his shirt riding up further and Gerard’s chest gets tight. He wants to touch, he wants to touch _so badly_.

“You turned in early,” Patrick says, voice thick with sleep. “I missed you at our show.”

“Shit, I know, I wanted to watch.” Gerard tries to explain and sighs, running his fingers through his unkempt hair. “I’m sorry,”

“’s okay, we have another show today.” Gerard nods and Patrick smiles.

“I should…” He trails off and Patrick just keeps looking at him like he’s exactly what he wanted to see when he woke up.

“Has Pete invaded your bus?” Patrick asks and he nods. “Come on,” Patrick rolls over in the tiny bunk and pats the spot he left open, Gerard finds himself crawling in beside the other boy without a thought. Patrick must still be asleep because he cuddles up against Gerard and presses them as close as possible, touching at every point.

“You’re warm,” Patrick mumbles, nuzzling against Gerard’s neck and the dark haired boy shivers.

“Patrick,” Gerard nearly curses himself at how breathy his voice sounds. He feels like a lovesick teenager and he hates it, he hates feeling so out of control, so fucking _weak_ for someone.

“It’s okay, you don’t go on for a few hours, nap with me.” Patrick’s eyes are closed but his mouth certainly isn’t, lips brushing skin and breath so warm. Gerard feels like his entire body is on fire, prickling at every place they touch.

Gerard doesn’t know what to do but instincts take over and he places a hand on Patrick’s hip, warm skin beneath his touch. He shouldn’t, he shouldn’t touch. He shouldn’t ruin him. Oh but it’s so tempting to be selfish, isn’t it? Patrick doesn’t mind, lips still close to his neck as the boy drifts off back to sleep. Gerard doesn’t sleep, his heart is pounding, Patrick is too close, so tempting. He could break him, he so badly wants to protect him but breaking him…breaking Patrick until he cries out and can’t ever exist the same way, ruining something so beautiful, that’s always been who Gerard is.

His phone goes off and Patrick doesn’t move, barely awake. Gerard looks at the text ‘ **Get to the stge jackass** ’ from Frank and sighs. It’s for the best; he shouldn’t fuck up the beautiful boy. He shouldn’t be tempted. He tells Patrick he has to go and the boy kisses his neck, wet and sleepy and Gerard cuts off the sigh hiding in his throat. He falls out of the bed and Patrick laughs so softly, rolling over and going back to sleep.

Gerard is so fucked.

Andy waves when Gerard leaves and he hopes he doesn’t look as freaked out as he feels. Patrick is still their drummer for the time being but he doesn’t need to help set up, it’s not his band, so Gerard makes sure the drums are set up how Patrick likes them. He shows up 5 minutes to show looking mussed and adorable, dressed in a brightly coloured shirt and jeans that are tight around his thighs, Gerard is honestly sure he stopped breathing when Patrick walked over. He didn’t brush his hair, messy ginger locks to go with his untrimmed sideburns; he really shouldn’t be as attractive as Gerard finds him.

“Hey, Trick!” Gerard tries out the nickname and Patrick doesn’t give any sign that he cares, just smiles and mumbles a ‘morning.

“You ready?” It’s Ray and everyone gives their consent, even Patrick who’s rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Gerard is too close before he can stop himself, brushing ginger hair from the boy’s face and smiling when he blushes.

“You’re gonna do great,” Gerard assures him and Patrick drops his gaze. Gerard tilts Patrick’s chin so they lock eyes, Patrick still has so much emotion swimming in his eyes. So much uncertainty, longing, so much excitement too. “I’ll try not to tell the audience how hot you are this time.” Patrick starts laughing at that and Gerard grins, the sound better than anything he’s ever dreamed up.

“Let’s go!” Frank shouts and Gerard takes Patrick’s hat as he walks away, smiling when the boy shouts grumpily. Gerard puts it on and picks up the mic, looking out once again at a sea of people waiting for him.

Patrick is famous, he has tons of fans, and people are going to know Gerard is wearing his hat. Gerard is oddly pleased with this; people should know he likes Patrick Stump, even if that’s all they get to know. He shouts and sings and tells the audience inappropriate things. He’s never been one to follow what he should do and grabbing his crotch on stage is certainly something he _shouldn’t_ do, so that’s why he does it. It’s between songs and Gerard is floating on that mid-show high, he gets lost in the words and says things without thinking, spills secrets they shouldn’t get to hear.

“I want you all to think about the last person you dreamed about,” Gerard tells them. “Think about the last person you dreamt you fucked, how you woke up hard and wet because of them.” He scratches his nails up his thighs and presses his heel against the obvious bulge in his too-tight jeans. “Scream their name at me,” The audience roars with names and hoots and awkward laughter. “ _Fuck_ ,” Gerard hisses, thoughts spinning with Patrick’s jeans and his shirt riding up, his sleepy smile and the way he bites his lip when he’s thinking. They start up the next song and Gerard drops his hand reluctantly, his erection straining against his jeans.

Gerard is still hard after the show, adrenaline pumping through his veins and mind spinning. He wanders off backstage in hopes of finding a bathroom but just gets a little lost and ends up leaning against an empty bus used to set up the stages. He lights a cigarette and tries not to think, pressing his hand against his hard on anyway, he blows a smoke cloud and groans low in his throat. He hears footsteps and lets his hand drop, touching yourself on stage is one thing but getting caught touching yourself is another.

“Gerard?” It’s Patrick and Gerard wants to scream. “There you are,” Patrick smiles when he’s in sight, he’s sweaty, shirt sticking to his stomach and sides, outlining his body for Gerard. “You ran off before I could catch you,” He laughs and Gerard sticks his smoke back in his mouth so he won’t say something stupid.

“That was some show you put on,” He keeps talking, stepping closer and closer until the tips of their shoes touch. “Surprised you didn’t shout a name at the audience.”

“I have no one to dream about.” He wasn’t lying, it was all daydreaming and longing glances that Gerard has, lucky for him he rarely dreams.

“Oh,” Does he sound disappointed?

“Why’d you come find me?” Gerard asks, forcing himself not to stare at Patrick’s lips and ultimately failing.

“You still have my hat,” He replies and Gerard chuckles. He takes it off and hands it to Patrick but he doesn’t put it on.

“If you don’t dream about anyone, why say those things? Just to rile up the crowd?” Patrick asks, still pushing, and Gerard shrugs blowing smoke up at the clouds.

“Just because I don’t dream doesn’t mean I don’t think about fucking someone until I’m hard.” He replies and Patrick glances down, cheeks pink, and he catches sight of Gerard’s hard on.

“I can tell,”

He should be embarrassed but he’s not, the amount of times he gets hard at annoying times is too high to care anymore. Patrick steps closer and drops his hat, one of his legs between Gerard’s, and he swallows thickly.

“So who do you think about, Gerard? Who gets you hard?” His voice is thick with lust and Gerard’s cock twitches in his jeans, blood rushing in his ears.

“You.” And Patrick is kissing him, wet and biting and Gerard can’t think, can’t breathe, can’t even believe this is happening. Patrick presses closer, wedging his thigh against Gerard’s erection, the dark haired boy moaning into their kiss. Patrick’s lips move on, kissing and sucking at Gerard’s neck, leaving the boy a quivering mess. He grinds against Patrick, gripping at his shirt, whining even though he’ll never admit to doing so.

“I dream about you, have every night since we met.” Patrick says against his skin. “I think about kissing you until our jaws are sore and we come in our jeans like teenagers,” Gerard is whimpering now, grinding roughly against Patrick and feeling like his entire being is sparking and catching fire. “I dream about teasing you, watching you squirm and beg until you’re so close that you come the second I push into you,”

“ _Patrick_ ,” Gerard’s moan sounds like a sob, panting roughly with his head tossed back, Patrick lips on his neck and words filthy and beautiful.

“I dream about fucking you into the mattress until neither of us can breath, neither of us can even _fucking walk_ the next day.” Patrick moans the words and Gerard can feel himself getting close, arousal burning in his gut. “I dream about this,” He mumbles, dropping to his knees on the pavement. Patrick unzips Gerard’s jeans and pulls them down his thighs along with his underwear if he had been wearing any.

“I dream about this when I touch myself,” Patrick admits, hands on Gerard’s hips. Gerard’s head is spinning; Patrick kisses his thigh, sucks a hickey into his hip, lips everywhere but where Gerard is aching for him. “I come with my fingers in my mouth, wishing it was your cock.” Gerard gives a choked off moan and Patrick wraps his lips around his head.

Gerard fists his hands in Patrick’s long hair, not pushing him down just wanting to touch, keep contact, and know he’s really there. Patrick sucks on the head before taking Gerard further into his mouth, mouth tight and wet and Gerard isn’t going to last. He releases his hair to cup his jaw, pressing his thumb against the corner of Patrick’s mouth, watching him bob his head, his cock disappearing between the two pink lips.

“So fucking beautiful,” Gerard pants and Patrick looks up through half lidded eyes, skin flushed, and Gerard moans his name.

He can’t look away, watching Patrick blow him with hungry needy eyes and kiss swollen lips. It’s intoxicating, addicting, it’s a downward spiral into a bedroom he’ll make sure they never leave. And Patrick is so fucking into it, moaning around his cock, his hips canting just the slightest bit so his dick will slide along the seam of his jeans. Gerard is shaking, arousal licking up his spine, and when Patrick takes him so far back he gags, well, it’s over. Gerard comes with a cry, hips thrusting forward as he shoots down Patrick’s throat. The boy swallows and releases Gerard’s dick, and the dark haired boy watches as he shudders and comes without being touched.

“Oh, _shit_ , Patrick,” Gerard groans, zips his pants and falls to the ground, pressing his face into his neck and kissing. “Shit, shit, shit, I-” he cuts himself off, listening to the boy breath, gripping at each other and shaking with the aftershocks of pleasure.

“I ruined you.” Gerard says brokenly, gripping tightly to Patrick.

“Hey, what?” Patrick shakes Gerard off of him and cups his face, looking serious and beautiful and Gerard doesn’t understand. He’s shaking again; he needs a smoke, maybe a nap. He could nap with Patrick…

“You’re so beautiful,” Gerard mumbles, reaching up to trace the lines of Patrick’s face. His skin is soft and Gerard wants him to smile, he runs his thumb along his lips before pulling away. “And I’m going to break you.”

“I’m not glass; I’m not going to break.” Patrick sounds almost offended and Gerard drops his face back to the boy’s shoulder, breathing him in.

“You’re not glass but you’re beautiful, so soft and safe and loving. You make my world stop.” Gerard can’t look at Patrick as he says these things and the other must know this because he doesn’t make him lift his head, just runs his fingers down his back and listens. “I don’t deserve that. I take beautiful things and I tear them apart. I crack them and break them until they’re not beautiful anymore and Patrick I don’t want you to ever stop being beautiful.”

“I don’t understand, you’re beautiful too.” Patrick replies and Gerard sighs.

“On the outside, but looks can be deceiving.” Gerard kisses Patrick’s neck, soft and sweet but then he opens his mouth and the kisses turn wet and needy and Patrick shivers. His lips move up behind his ear and Patrick gasps, blushing across his cheeks. “I want you so bad, I can’t let you stay.” Gerard rambles, trying to press closer to Patrick, sick with want.

“Gee,” Patrick starts, hands still soothing on his back. “I’m not going anywhere.” And Gerard breaks, his kissing turns into crying and he just shakes in Patrick’s arms.

Gerard doesn’t know why he’s crying, he really fucking doesn’t, but he’s ruined Patrick and the boy still cares and still wants to stay. How can someone care for him like that? How can someone he’s only just met want to make him such promises? He should leave, _holy fuck_ should he leave, but Gerard keeps clinging to him, so fucking grateful that he stays.

“I’m sorry,” Gerard chokes out and Patrick just holds him tighter.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.”

\--

They walk back to the bus holding hands, Gerard exhausted and embarrassed. It’s late, Fall Out Boy should be going on soon, Gerard feels guilty for being tired, for putting his emotions on Patrick, for everything. He doesn’t say it though; he just holds the boy’s hand and finds the other’s hanging out in the bus laughing too loud. They all go quiet as they walk in but Gerard heads straight for the bunks, uninteresting in explaining himself to his friends right now. He doesn’t even know where to start, what the fuck even happened? Patrick climbs into a bunk with him and Gerard hates himself for how he clings to him, needy, always so needy.

“It’s okay not to be okay,” Patrick speaks softly and Gerard nuzzles into his chest. Patrick runs fingers through his dark and blonde hair, soothing and relaxing and Gerard pushes into the touch.

“I don’t deserve you,” Gerard says again and Patrick sighs.

“And you think I deserve you?” Gerard doesn’t reply, just goes still. “You’re hot, the lead singer of an extremely talented and popular band. You’re funny and nerdy and smart and I don’t match up. But I’m going to try my best to be what you deserve, Gerard, I promise.”

Gerard doesn’t know what to say so he says nothing at all, just breathes in the smell of Patrick and listens to his breathing. He must have fallen asleep at some point because he finds himself waking up to Patrick climbing out of the bunk.

“Show time?” Gerard asks, voice scratchy.

“Oh, you’re awake.” Patrick leans back into the bunk and looks like he wants to kiss Gerard but he doesn’t. “Ya, I have to go.” And Gerard kisses him, Patrick kissing back without hesitation.

“I’m coming,” Patrick doesn’t protest, just smiles and leaves the bunks.

“You okay, man?” Frank is standing beside Gerard, watching Fall Out Boy perform. They’re amazing considering how young they are and new to the scene they are, Gerard is in awe. Patrick’s voice is astounding, a bigger range than his own and although the music style is different and the lyrics are different Gerard can’t help wanting to tour with them.

“Ya, never better actually.” Frank looks over at the stage and then gives Gerard a knowing look that he doesn’t see.

Patrick smiles, wide and beautiful, and Gerard can see now just how impossible it would be to ruin Patrick, how someone so full of light and beauty could never be broken. Not by him, not when Patrick won’t let him, won’t believe he ever could.  If Patrick doesn’t think Gerard is able to ruin him, is as broken and awful as he sees himself, than he wants to believe him.

“So tell him,” Frank says and Gerard doesn’t have to ask what he means.

“I love you!” He shouts as loud as he can at the stage and Patrick misses a word in the song and his entire face turns red before he smiles so wide Gerard thinks it must hurt but he smiles back just as bright.


End file.
